It is hard to hold an opinion about something that one doesn’t understand. I suffered through a year and a half in deep dark depression. All of my facebook friends are always welcome to read my profile and to learn where I have been and how far I have come. Those of you who know me well, know of what i e=went trough. Take it from someone who’s fallen… it is a very long way down. These actions or re-actions to depression do not happen overnight. We, the hurting have become masters at hiding our pain. And there in lies a monumental truth… We are good at that. So we are good at something. We just don’t see it yet.
Some things I have learned along my path since those dark days is that I don’t have to control my thoughts but I do have to stop letting my thoughts control me. I so often had the mistaken belief that the pain was to hard to bare, but yet I bore it every day, so each new day became a triumph and I didn’t even see that at the time either.
It is a path I have chosen now to look beyond pain and to even rejoice in pain and hurt because I know now… that there is a healing at the end of that day. I will rest and wake up again and find something in that next day to hold on too, even if it is something so seemingly insignificant like realizing that one flower petal is different from another and that in it’s self is what makes for a beautiful flower garden. If the flowers were all the same, there would be only that one beauty. I learned to look beyond myself.
When I was living in that dark dark time, I felt useless. I felt at times that I just wanted to feel better no matter what it took and every time anyone asked me what was wrong, I just wanted to scream that nothing was right. It seemed like even trying to hold on was a daily decision that I was making for everyone else and not me. Then I realized that my whole life seemed to be about pleasing others and not myself. I always thought that was so selfish. But I do have to take care of myself. We all do. We have to find that which makes us feel like we do belong.
I also realized later that it wasn’t that I wanted to die.. I just didn’t want to live and maybe that makes no sense to anyone, but it did to me. I am so glad that I didn’t succeed and that God intervened because I had no right to make a decision to QUIT my life. It’s like I went to bed each night thinking maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day and then eventually I wondered why I even cared if there was a better day.
I have learned to say, yes and to say no. It really is that simple. I don’t have to explain my reasons, I just have to express them and not hide them. It is also never to late to be what I might not have been, so I continue to write because that is who I am. You might find this interesting to and it is that facebook is therapy to and for me. I do have something to say and people always have the choice to decide if they want to read it or not. Maybe what I have to say one day might not be what they need, but hey… maybe the next day might be of use to someone so check back. Don’t give up on me. Just because I almost gave up on myself, didn’t mean that people do not want to hear what I have to say. I know that now.
We are not meant to fit into every crowd. If we did we would all be robots and robots are man made. We are not robots. We are living, human beings. We can not roll back the clock and bring all these kids back, but we can move on in truth, sharing our feelings verbally . Speaking out is of great importance. We need to tell our children that they matter, that they have a purpose no matter how old they are. We need to encourage them all the time, but more than anything, I believe that every one needs acceptance just the way they are too. Otherwise, we are slapping the face of Our Creator saying that He had made mistakes and that simply is not true. We are all worthy of love, of friendship, of being someone to someone who has no one.
I am so glad that I am still around to share what I went through because if not, people would still be hurting, people may even still be crying and suffering and I would not have fulfilled my purpose and may have crushed someone else’s purpose. My goal now… is to share joy, peace, love and to comfort those who morn. To help those in need. To be a friend to the friendless. To encourage those who feel useless. To be the light in someone darkness. To write and express feeling and to share truth as I learn truth, helping people to understand that which they do not.
It is never to late to be that which I might not have been. To finish this off, I do have to share that I do have to work hard at renewing my mind every day and washing my mind in the word of God. I can’t think of a better way to put on the suit of survival, one that not only gets me through each day, but through life eternal and that is our hope is it not?
~ By Eudora